Some of my dumbest tweets

I have a narcoleptic donkey. Every time he falls asleep you have to hit him to wake him up. I'm getting tired of tapping that ass.

  They're still counting the ballots for John Cialis Vs. Joe Viagra. The erection results are too close to call.

 If i spent six months in the arctic and 6 months in Antarctica, would I be considered bi-polar?

 I tried eating shrimp on the Barbie, but Ken kept getting in my way.

 Every time I look in the mirror I see fifty shades of gray.

 The Australian word for surfer is Bait.

How are scientists ever going to find other life in the universe if they cant even disprove Bigfoot. 

One day my girlfriend came home smelling like coal. I hope she's not having an inappropriate relationship with a miner.

 To everyone who attended my orgy...I'd like to thank you all for coming.

 I read where China only allows families to have one baby. I guess they're trying to cut down on youth in Asia.

 I have two female horses who only come out after dark. They're my night mares.

 I cut off my feet, dipped them in bronze, and turned them into a coat rack. Now no one can ever say I never made anything out of myself.

 I've been working for 27 years and I've never once been sexually harassed. I hope there's still time!